For years I have felt rejected; not good enough.
Ever since I can remember I have felt that I am not good enough, starting in my preschool years as a sick child with cancer. In the schoolyard they yelled: “Quick get away from here, someone here has cancer, be careful otherwise we will get it too.” And all the kids in the schoolyard ran away from me and didn’t want to come near me.
This kind of strange situations kept happening.
There was a group of children who bullied me daily, note: I am still in kindergarten now. This group did not act on its own, there was a girl in the class who directed the kids (mostly boys) to scold me. You could say she was the “ring leader.”
Fortunately, I had 1 or 2 girlfriends who played with me.
Over the years the bullying only got worse until we reached a low point at the school I had attended until then. At the time I was in the 3rd grade, I was not only bullied by the kids in my class, I was also bullied by the teacher.
By now, the bullying doesn’t stop at words, but I am also being beaten up daily.
In class no one wanted to sit next to me, and the teacher did not want to exchange too many words with me, because imagine… the man could get cancer from me!
I am placed in a group with 2 boys who happened to be cousins, they are the only ones who wanted absolutely nothing to do with the bullying behaviour of the other children.
I felt safe at their table, and I finally had someone to talk to during the school day. The girlfriends I had in kindergarten were no longer my friends by now. They never actively bullied me, but they did suffer from peer pressure from the other kids: being friends with the sick girl!
Every day after school I was chased by a group of boys and every day after school I could count on a beating!
No matter what my parents did… there seemed to be no solution to the situation. Even the principal was at a loss.
Until the moment it was announced that my teacher would go to grade 4th with the class, in other words, he would be my teacher for another year. That’s when my parents decided to take me out of this school.
No sooner said than done!
I started the school year as a 4th grader at a new school, without the kids who bullied me all these years.
At my new elementary school, we were allowed to maintain the school gardens. Once or twice a week we were allowed to go to the school gardens to tend our fruits and vegetables that were planted the previous school year.
Such was the case on the day that everything changed….
I was coming home from school and the school garden on a hot summer day, I had 2 buckets on my bike handlebars with the vegetables and herbs I had just harvested. On the way home I saw the girl, the “ringleader” walking with 4 boys who beat me up daily.
Like every time, she instructed the boys to beat me up. The boys, as obedient as they were, sprinted towards me, I hastily stepped up my pace, fast cycling, to prevent them from catching me!
Unfortunately, they succeeded in reaching me and the four of them gave me a flying kick, right off my bike.
This is the day my mother had enough of the situation.
Until this moment, my parents raised me not to fight and ignore the situation.
I came home bleeding and crying loudly, my mother took 1 look at me and sent me away with the assignment to find the boys 1 by 1 and beat them to a pulp.
Well… I took this order to heart. I rang the doorbell of all the boys and did not hesitate to give the boys a beating. One of the mothers even gave as feedback: Hey, hey, finally you stand up for yourself and teach my son a lesson. (The parents of these boys were also at their wit’s end and did not know what to do with the situation, they too were not supportive of their children’s behaviour).
From that day on I learned to stand up for myself, a little too well…. but that’s a different story.
However, the seed of rejection had already been planted.
In other situations, I was never good enough either. I wasn’t tall enough; I was too thin; I was too tall; I spoke abn, (general civilized Dutch),; I wasn’t pretty enough; I wasn’t smart enough. I could go on like that for a while.
I placed too much value on the opinions of others. What others said or thought about me really lived in me; it influenced my choices.
So, during my high school-career, I didn’t always make the right choices. (Especially not doing my best in school). I ended up going steady with a boy who was several classes higher than me. We were 4 years apart.
This was not my great love, nor was I in love with him, but I somehow liked him. So, this relationship lasted for 5 years before I finally ended it. Also during this relationship, I made very thoughtless choices, you can even say irreverent choices. But the aftertaste I had from this relationship was with capital letters: REJECTION. Nothing was ever good enough for this partner and I certainly not me.
Even when I had a nice side job I experienced some form of rejection, I was never good enough. I was fun and smart, but never quite what people were looking for.
Wherever I went, I was never good enough at all!
Until I met my current partner.
This was such a different experience.
He has been my very biggest fan from day 1!
He supports me in everything I do, is fully behind me. Even though he has the realization that I should make a wiser choice.
The support I have had from him from day 1 is so unreal!
Also, during this relationship, I have faced rejection in different areas such as at work among others. During the previous recession, I had a nice job with a permanent contract. But due to budget cuts I had to leave, I was the last to be hired on a permanent basis and therefore the cheapest to let go.
I could go on and on with examples of rejection I have experienced, but my point is probably coming across by now.
Because by now I was not so receptive to the world’s opinion, rejection tried to come through my best friend, my partner.
My partner and I have actually never had an argument with each other. We have disagreed occasionally, but arguments have always been out of the question.
Until we had our second child. Then this changed; we had more and more frequent disagreements. These disagreements eventually turned into arguments. We argued more and more with each other.
And now… the only one who always took me as I am, with all my oddities, was no longer standing fully behind me. He did not always agree with me, and we disagreed more and more. This came as a slap in my face. This has in my experience: literally pulled the rug from under me.
I could not cope with this new situation and the feeling that came with it!
Suddenly I didn’t feel so safe. He has always been my safe haven. And now he was disappointing me over and over again!
This feeling was able to develop in me for a time. The rejection I felt all along took on a new dimension.
Until about 2 weeks ago. I had a bad dream, a dream in which I was rejected. The details of the dream I can’t share with you because I can’t remember, but the feeling this dream evoked in me was just pure rejection.
I was completely upset by the dream, which was evident to my partner. So, he came to me asking me what was going on. I obviously told him about the dream and the feeling that had aroused in me. His response thankfully was: Surely you know you are loved, and you are certainly not rejected!
This brought me back to the Word; I am loved and accepted; I am the beloved!
After I shared this experience through a short vlog, I experienced a liberation of rejection, not because rejection doesn’t rear its ugly head from time to time, but because no matter if the world rejects me, my Father, God, accepts me completely!
In the meantime, rejection has attempted to throw me off track, the difference is that I know, and I know that I am good enough for God!
